It’s Christmas day! Happy Christmas to you all! Today is the day that Christ was born to a virgin. This leads me to today’s next big revelation… What does Mary, mammy of Jesus, and herself have in common? Immaculate conception. The similarities don’t just end there. Mary’s fella was a carpenter, I took a night course in woodwork last month in Ringsend. That’s beyond coincidence, it’s providence. This brings me to the following hypothesis: our baby is the second coming of Jesus.
I broke the exciting news to herself this morning.
“What would you love more than anything for Christmas?”
“To have my old vagina back. I’m so grossed out by the amount of discharge that’s exiting it.” It’s true, it’s like a pump station on steroids but there’s no way I would ever agree with her on this new body trait.
“To not be in negative equity,” she started on to her second box of breakfast chocolates.
“Well you’re in luck! I’ve found a way to make us loads of mullah for 2018.”
“Go on,” she was half listening whilst opening up a selection box.
“So religion is the best way to make mad cash.”
“Basically, we’re going to write a bestseller then tour the world because you’re carrying baby Jesus.” She flipped the chocolate menu card over and started studying it.
“My sister is expecting us at 11am, we’ve to open up the presents with the kids.”
“Did you hear what I said?”
“Yeah and you’re mental, I’m not carrying Jesus. I’m carrying something that hasn’t allowed me to shit for 48 hours and has me secreting stuff that looks like slime.”
“Trust me on this one babe, you’re carrying Jesus.”
“You haven’t slept in 24 hours and you just lost your job so you’re panicking.” She’s right, she’s always right.
The US multinational company that I worked for decided to close down the Dublin office. They realised they can hire cheaper people somewhere elsewhere, globalisation baby. Now we’ve a little one on the way and I’m unemployed. Who the fuck lays off someone two weeks before Christmas? A dastardly corporation that thinks Ireland is part of the UK, that’s who.
Whilst it was terrifying to be sans job it was also very liberating up until yesterday. Now the fear has started to kick in hence the money making opportunity of herself having Jesus in her belly… She’ll come round to it, especially when the bank calls for the next mortgage payment.