Herself has started to breathe like Darth Vader. At first I thought the dog was sick but when I looked for him he was outside. It was just herself in the kitchen reading her magazine and drinking tea whilst breathing heavily.
“Have you got a chest infection love?”
“What?” She looked up at me. The title emblazoned on the cover of the magazine that she was reading said “THE 20 MOST BEAUTIFUL CELEBRITIES OF ALL TIME THAT LOOK AMAZING PREGNANT.” It’s interesting how the adjective to describe pregnant women changes from hot to beautiful, can’t have people thinking pregnant women have sex. The media wants them to puritanical wholesome baby vessels.
“You just seem a bit chesty, I want to make sure you’re alright.”
“The baby is squatting on my lungs you idiot.” And on your happy thoughts too apparently. I decided to change the topic.
“Tell me about THE 20 MOST BEAUTIFUL CELEBRITIES OF ALL TIME THAT LOOK AMAZING PREGNANT.”
“You hate this stuff.”
“Come on, humour me!”
“OK, but you can’t interrupt me until I say I’m finished reading, OK?”
She took another deep breath and flipped the page. She really sounds like a dirty feck listening to porn on the phone whilst fondling herself. Then she spoke in her reading voice*, “Pregnancy did wonders for Nicole’s skeletal frame — we wonder if bringing new life into the world may have saved her own life. She certainly seems a lot happier these days.” In other words if you’ve issues with your mental health just get pregnant and you will be saved from yourself.
“Pregnancy was just what hard-edged Gwen Stefani needed to soften up a bit. It takes quite the glamorous woman to pull off a moo-moo-esque maternity dress like this one.” In other words if you’re not pregnant you’re a cold vapid woman.
“Some fashion models might be a little put off by early weight gain during pregnancy, but Alessandra seemed to be loving it, which only made her look that much more beautiful.” I looked at the photo of pencil thin Alessandra and realised that this magazine hates women.
“OK, I’m finished reading. God I’m so ugly and huge,” she sighed. I looked at my normal shaped, gorgeous partner and shook my head.
“These toxic publications are insidious slime that pit women against each other.”
“I know, I know… my clothes don’t fit me, even my bloody tracksuit bottoms. I just feel like my body isn’t mine anymore.” Instead of telling her that she was stating the bloody obvious, I did the next best thing.
“If you promise me that you will never buy trash like that again I will give you my card to go clothes shopping with your sister today.”
“I promise I will never buy them again” She snatched my card from my hand and made for the car.
*We all have a reading voice. It’s like you’re giving a reading in a church, proper speech like.